I haven’t posted for some time, the reason being that my positiveness has been escaping me. Its probably not a great idea to write stuff like blogs on the subject under consideration whilst down, in the same way its usually better not to make decisions when angry.
However, I had to write something, sometime, and maybe the act of writing will pull me out of the dark corner. I have had a recurring dream for pretty much the whole of my life. It centres around a house. This house always has the same characteristics, although not identical all the time. Sometimes the ‘action’ is situated in the attic, sometimes in the basement, sometimes it focuses on the garden, and sometimes in the ‘normal’ parts of the house. Always there is a part, or parts of this house that are unused – often derelict.
Sometimes there appears to be scary things hiding in corners, sometimes not. Its all very confusing but its always the same – I’m getting sick of this unfinished house.
A few weeks ago I dreamed my mother was there – in a distant corner of the derelict attic, and she seemed to be welcoming me. My mother died many many years ago, and it has to be said that I don’t have great memories of my relationship with her. None of this I will go into at this point, but I will say that, given my situation, It was rather unsettling to have such a dream.
To the dilemmas – well my main dilemma is still the crucial one – to go with chemo or not. Essentially I have until 19th December when my next two meetings with the haemotologists are due – and my next set of results. I have a holiday in Hong Kong in between now and then which I refused to give up – hence them being okay about waiting until then. They will say then when they want me to start, and what the time frames will be for this 3 stage treatment followed by the stem cell transplant which they seem very keen to do.
To agree to be invaded by chemicals or not? that is the question? To go to Ikaria or not, that is the question?
The docs have assured me that their suggestions are the best way forward and this is the ‘standard’ way of treating this disease – “Oh and by the way it’s incurable!” So you go through hell only to then enter a holding pattern for the rest of your days, hoping that a new found stabilization stays stabilized for as long as possible (if the whole transplant thing works of course). The doctors have also assured me that Monsanto does not manufacture the proposed chemicals!!
The phrase ‘rest of your days’ is the unknown variable in all of this – how long is ‘the rest of your days’? How long is a piece of string?
…… And the biggest variable of all is ‘what quality of life ‘ for those days?
BUT – the alternative? go to Ikaria (real or metaphorical) and live a good quality of life for a possibly shortened period. What is life if it is not for living? Is life really worthwhile if it equates to merely ‘staying alive’. What is life if the minutes, the hours, the days, the months, the years are not filled with joy, love, excitement, challenge, hope, wonder, and fulfillment.
What is life if it dribbles away under a sea of chemical dependency, finally ending with the well worn phrase being uttered at one’s funeral – ‘died following a brave battle with cancer’.